@KimmyMonte

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

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@PeaceInTruth1

Telemarketer: Good afternoon, Sir.

Me: Do you walk with a limp?

Telemarketer: No.

Me: Want to?

Telemarketer: Thank you for your time.

@BoogTweets

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

@BeTheCookie

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

@ObviouslyJustMe

Jesus said to Peter, “Come forth and I will give you eternal glory.”

Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

@UncleDuke1969

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

@ObscureGent

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

@sixfootcandy

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.