Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
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Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*