Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

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Telemarketer: Good afternoon, Sir.

Me: Do you walk with a limp?

Telemarketer: No.

Me: Want to?

Telemarketer: Thank you for your time.


[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores


Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.


Jesus said to Peter, “Come forth and I will give you eternal glory.”

Peter came fifth and won a toaster.


“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*


friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka


I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.