Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
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If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Love it! 👍😂
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I have a black belt in leather