Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
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You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
rise and shine we got egg
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.