Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
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Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Maybe the reason violence never solves anything is cuz theres never enough of it, you dont know.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
BRO LMFAO
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.