Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.

It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:

Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?

Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line

One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.

I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid question

Me from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!

Boss: GODDAMIT!

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog.

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

lmao

Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.