Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
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Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Bit chilly again tonight.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk