Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
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I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I didn’t realize that was an option
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
this country is so goddamn polarized
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??