Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
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[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.