Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
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never ask a starfish for directions
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*