Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
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I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.