Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing

Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it

#OneLiner

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*

I am, perchance

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.