please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
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Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
My beach vacation Google searches
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes