Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
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My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.