Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

this could fix me

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.