Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
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I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet