Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit

Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??