Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

My horoscope said I should kiss you today

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*

Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood

Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

She was rare, like a goth jogging

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?

Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

Seekh Kebab
Not attention

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.