Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
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I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
(by @ZachWeiner )
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.