Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

Daughter: dada?

Me: no honey it’s not.

Daughter: is time travel possi-

Me: [winks].

Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!

Wife: how did you do that?

Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

[watching Disney movie]

Daughter: this movie is dumb.

Me: why?

Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.

Me: yeah lol.

Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.

Me: smart-wait what?

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

a McRib killed my tapeworm

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it