please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
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[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.