please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
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I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”