Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.

Wife: Hey can you-

Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.

Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.

imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.