Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
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They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
plums roundup
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I would move hell over six inches for you
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.