Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
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God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
peeping toms
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*