Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
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15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
(True)
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.