Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”

Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.