“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
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If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Ironic
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.