Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
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BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
