Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
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My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
*seductively eats two tums*
prepare for carbonated trouble
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
damn he’s good
asking santa clause for nudes
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine