Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’

Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.

4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.