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Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
pat pat
i actually laughed 😩
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
✌🏽
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
japanese corn
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck