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[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
*pronounces patio like ratio