“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
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If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Just got to our Airbnb!
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies