Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
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every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Dietest Coke
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.