Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

What is going on? 😅

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.