Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
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a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!