Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

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professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?



Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”


High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”


Work meeting
Boss: it’s come to my attention that someone has been eating out of the trash!

Everyone, including his pet raccoon looks at me


I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?


The first step is admitting you have a problem.

Unless your problem is always admitting things then I don’t really know how to help you.


The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.


There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.