professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
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Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Boss: it’s come to my attention that someone has been eating out of the trash!
Everyone, including his pet raccoon looks at me
A movie with a rating of 3.14 is a pirated movie
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
terrifying if real: electric slide
The first step is admitting you have a problem.
Unless your problem is always admitting things then I don’t really know how to help you.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.