Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
You Might Also Like
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
This made me smile…
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.