Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can you help me with something?

Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.

Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…

Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!

Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

Me: Dishwasher’s broken.

16: I’m sorry.

Me: Did you break it?

16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering, where you hold an object in your hands for a minute and if it doesn’t bring you any joy you say goodbye.

So far I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the hoover, and a pile of ironing…

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?

A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

That took me a moment.