Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
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Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.