You Might Also Like
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.