Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose