Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
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5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.