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Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
SONOFA
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.