I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
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Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks