Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

[first day on bomb squad]

blue red yada yada yada i get the gist

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button

ADVISOR: why

ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward

[11am]

Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.