Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
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I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.