Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
You Might Also Like
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.