Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
You Might Also Like
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
oh you wanna fight?!
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.