Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
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The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Home is where your toilet is.
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.