Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Holy_Mowgli

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

@mrtiredeyes

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

@HenpeckedHal

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

@TomatoTomoto1

Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet

Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?

His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers

@DaddyJew

Son: you have a gray hair

Me: it’s a badge of honor

Son: *looks at head* whoa, you’re like some sort of super soldier

Me: go to your room

@Jake_Vig

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

@ohthatbadger

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

@gavinmind

Cardi B’s full name is Cardiovascular Blockage

@horacedodge

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

@Cheeseboy22

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.