car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
PLEASE SEND HELP
I STOPPED BUYING AVOCADOS AND NOW I AM DROWNING IN COINS AND KEYS TO VARIOUS PROPERTIES I OWN
OH GOD IS THIS HOW I DIE
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landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Son: you have a gray hair
Me: it’s a badge of honor
Son: *looks at head* whoa, you’re like some sort of super soldier
Me: go to your room
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Cardi B’s full name is Cardiovascular Blockage
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.