I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
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[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
The first matador
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.