Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@BadMikeyBad

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

@Lakelandr

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

@sixfootcandy

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

@WeAreGirICodes

PSA for campus drivers

@pittdave13

Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”

@MatthewACherry

Lack of diversity in period pieces is wild. It’s as if black ppl were invented during slavery got discontinued then relaunched in the 60s.

@NerishaLakha

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

@TheTweetOfGod

‘Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the mall
There were multiple reports of trampling injuries.

@michaelianblack

“The ankle so important to a basketball player.” Something the announcer just said.

@Dan_Haak

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun