I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
PLEASE SEND HELP
I STOPPED BUYING AVOCADOS AND NOW I AM DROWNING IN COINS AND KEYS TO VARIOUS PROPERTIES I OWN
OH GOD IS THIS HOW I DIE
You Might Also Like
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
PSA for campus drivers
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Lack of diversity in period pieces is wild. It’s as if black ppl were invented during slavery got discontinued then relaunched in the 60s.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
‘Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the mall
There were multiple reports of trampling injuries.
“The ankle so important to a basketball player.” Something the announcer just said.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun