Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….

me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.

#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

Me when my alarm goes off

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.

I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat