Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?

Me: Yes please.

Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?

Me: What?

Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

6: what’s 3+1?

Me: 4

6: noooo it’s 3

Me: 3+1 is 4

6: nooooo it’s 3

Me:

6: the 1 is silent

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal