Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
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[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
i’m still crying at this
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*