Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
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There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
that would 100% work on me
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness