Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
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Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight