Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
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<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t