Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
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5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
You might just have to resign…
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.