Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
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Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
on da cob, we all corn
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”