Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

Well, this explains it:

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

December has 5 Saturdays.

FIVE.

That November salary will be fighting for its life.

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach

Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

Finally, a door that understands me

My 7 year old: *staring at my face*

Me: What is it, sweetie?

My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?

Kids are delightful.

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?