My Wife’s nickname for me is “Microsoft” because I’m good with computers.
Hold on guys, she’s not done laughing.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
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-can pull off wearing a hat
-a fan of the theater
-is Abraham Lincoln
“the pizza boy is here”
It’s time, I thought, cocking my shotgun. I was sending this half pizza half man abomination straight back to hell
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Salads don’t kill people. People who eat salads kill people.
My boyfriend recently called me his woman
And now we’re living in the jungle, wearing deer skin and hunting for food
someone just tweeted “do crabs think fish are flying” and i just know this is all i’ll think about for the rest of the year
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.