Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
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Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.