@Peauxtassium

Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch

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@LosLos__

My Wife’s nickname for me is “Microsoft” because I’m good with computers.

RIGHT HONEY?

Hold on guys, she’s not done laughing.

@kadyngriffiths

Dream girl:
-tall
-skinny
-can pull off wearing a hat
-honest
-a fan of the theater
-abolished slavery
-is Abraham Lincoln

@madeleinedoux

“the pizza boy is here”
It’s time, I thought, cocking my shotgun. I was sending this half pizza half man abomination straight back to hell

@bazecraze

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

@sixfootcandy

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

@atamba_lakeli

My boyfriend recently called me his woman
And now we’re living in the jungle, wearing deer skin and hunting for food

@hoeroins

someone just tweeted “do crabs think fish are flying” and i just know this is all i’ll think about for the rest of the year

@bwebster76

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.