Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch

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My Wife’s nickname for me is “Microsoft” because I’m good with computers.


Hold on guys, she’s not done laughing.


Dream girl:
-can pull off wearing a hat
-a fan of the theater
-abolished slavery
-is Abraham Lincoln


“the pizza boy is here”
It’s time, I thought, cocking my shotgun. I was sending this half pizza half man abomination straight back to hell


Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.


Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!


My boyfriend recently called me his woman
And now we’re living in the jungle, wearing deer skin and hunting for food


someone just tweeted “do crabs think fish are flying” and i just know this is all i’ll think about for the rest of the year


Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.