Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
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Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Raisins are grape jerky.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Seek kebab; not attention
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.