Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”

If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓

Strawbarely.

#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

Narrator: they had a son born in 2001

Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.