please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
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Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.