@tarashoe

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

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@lisaxy424

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

@DaddyJew

[buying college textbooks]
That’ll be 100 million dollars

[returning college textbooks]
We can give you half off on this pencil case

@onlxn

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

@TheReal_AndyMac

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

@Izianikapani

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

@offbeatoliv

When skiing it’s always good to keep a photo i.d. on you in case they need to identify the body.

@Marlebean

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*