please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

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Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…


I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”


[buying college textbooks]
That’ll be 100 million dollars

[returning college textbooks]
We can give you half off on this pencil case


Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it


“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops


So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.


When skiing it’s always good to keep a photo i.d. on you in case they need to identify the body.


Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..


HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*