Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.

No, YOU’RE a child!

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.

Spring cleaning checklist…

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.