Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

Husband: Um, what are you doing?

Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor

Husband:…

Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

waiter : here’s your bread for the table

table : nom nom nom delicious

Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.