Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
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little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”