Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
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For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
man i love columbo
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
become ungovernable
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.