please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
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Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.