please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
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Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.