Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
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Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.